This First Love
by scrutinize
Summary: Yondaime and what could have been. Yond X OC


**A/N**: I've kinda been on hiatus, I suppose. Bad writer's block. This is just a long one-shot that involves Naruto's mother, and what she'd be like. Comments are appreciated and flames can go fuck themselves.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto

**This First Love**

* * *

I met Uzumaki Kayaku the day I went to request residing in the country of fire, Konohagakure.

I am, or rather, **was** an ANBU captain from Kumogakure, the hidden village of the cloud. At that time Kayaku was the Fourth Hokage.

By the way, my name is Akane. I'm twenty years old and I have long light blonde hair and green eyes. I don't consider myself attractive, but I guess other people think I am. I don't think about it much; vanity isn't something I'm known for. But anyways, I didn't know that Kayaku had been inaugurated as the Fourth until I saw him in his office, wearing the traditional Hokage's robe. It surprised me to see a young man in his mid to late-twenties surrounded by mountains of paperwork, sitting at the Hokage desk.

What I remember the most about that first encounter with Kayaku was his eyes. I didn't think anything could be as blue as his eyes were. They were so kind and warm and gentle; as bright as the sun. I couldn't help but to be drawn to his gaze; I found myself staring slightly at his brilliant sun-kissed locks, his cerulean eyes as deep and dark as the sea, and that smile of his.

Oh, that smile.

That smile that competed with his eyes. I never could decide which I liked better. His smile that was so utterly blinding and amazing. He seemed like he couldn't ever frown.

Despite his good looks, I hated him. Or at least, I tried to hate him. He always looked so happy and content, with his life and life in general. Back then I was such a jealous person. I was jealous of other peoples' happiness and success. I was especially jealous of Kayaku. He rarely failed a mission, and even if he did, none of his teammates would die or sacrifice themselves for the sake of the mission. No one had to die in his arms because he couldn't save them. He was strong. He was strong enough to put his life at stake to save other people. He truly was as great as everyone said he was. He was the beloved of Konoha, I was so inadequate compared to him; it angered me then.

He was everything I aspired to but failed to be.

Back then I had nothing to be happy or smile for. I lost everyone important to me, I chose to take a lot of missions outside of the country to avoid being near all my dead family and friends. But even though I tried to spend all of my time outside of the country, I knew I always had to go back. I decided to move to Konoha, where it was known to be peaceful and quiet. Hell, I thought maybe I could go and settle down with a man and have a kid or two. I never liked children but back then I figured I could just settle. I wasn't picky. But, I guess my ninja way of thinking sort of changed when I decided to move to a different location.

"And what is your reason for wanting to reside in Konohagakure?" Kayaku asked with that damn smile of his. I despised that smile, yet I could never bring myself to fully hate it.

_I can't stand hearing voices of the dead. I don't have special people anymore. I couldn't save them. I thought I was strong, but I'm not. Standing here makes me weak. I'm weak and a coward. I run away from my problems and I can't ever face them. I can't battle my inner demons. My family and friends' ghosts haunt me; guilt clings to me and never goes away. I can't breathe. _

"I need a change in scenery," I replied blandly. I really didn't want to come up with some grand explanation; I lived just to exist, not to find any particular fulfillment from life; I was constantly weary, I felt too old.

Kayaku just nodded and accepted my request, congratulating me on becoming a citizen of Konoha. He asked me if I wanted to be a ninja; I contemplated his inquire and nodded. Frankly, I had no idea why I agreed. I had requested to live in Konoha to get away from fighting and the "ways of the ninja" and all the rules and regulations, but I suppose the ninja mentality never leaves you.

"What was your rank in Kumo?" He asked.

"Jounin and ANBU captain," He nodded and wrote something down in a scroll. "Very well, I'll have your status reviewed and prompt you on incoming missions; we need more manpower; you came at a good time for us." He looked up at me and smiled, and for a minute I couldn't think of anything coherent to say; I just bid a stiff goodbye followed by a shallow bow and proceeded to leave the room.

"Wait, this is your first time being in Konoha, right?" I turned and with my nod he continued, "Since you'll be living here from now on, why don't I give you a tour of the city, and then we can grab some dinner at the new ramen stand that opened. I think it's called Ichiraku."

I was going to refuse but that look on his face made me reconsider. He looked so hopeful, so shy and young. It was endearing, so somewhat grudgingly, and to my surprise, I obliged with a simple, "sure."

That smile he gave me, I'll never forget it. It was so elated. I didn't quite notice it then but he also looked relieved. I didn't know why my simple promise sparked that kind of reaction from him. It surprised and confused me at the same time; a dull feeling sparked in my stomach. Was it satisfaction? Delight? Pleasure? I had no idea. I would've left after finding out what time to meet him with the same countenance I give everyone else, but I didn't have the heart to leave without giving some form of a smile. I managed to force out a half smile that didn't reach my eyes; that was the best I could do.

He changed all that, though.

* * *

That evening around five I met him at the Hokage monument, where I was gazing up at the huge stone faces carved into the side of the mountain, lost in memories that I didn't want to remember, but still tortured myself to keep reliving it so I could stay somewhat human.

I turned around by chance to see him standing in front of me, a little too close for my comfort. It was unnerving. He took me by surprise and I didn't like the feeling of being caught off guard. It took all my willpower not to pull out my kunai and stab him out of sheer instinct. My hand even went to my kunai holster.

"Please don't sneak up on me like that," I told him crossly. Even angry I still held on to my politeness.

"Sorry, I didn't realize…" He trailed off sheepishly, smiling cutely with one hand behind his head, his cheeks flushed slightly with embarrassment. Jeez, he was really hard to stay angry at. I felt all irritation dissipate looking at his face. He was so disarming, perhaps that's why he was so strong. No one took him seriously. After all, what good ninja wears all their emotions on their sleeve?

He was wearing just his jounin uniform and a red and white cape, devoid of the formal robes. I liked him better that way, he seemed more attainable. But what was I thinking, thinking that the great Hokage could be mine? He could have anyone else; probably a woman who wasn't as fucked up in the head as I was. Someone who would take care of him. Someone human. I really thought I was naïve for thinking such silly thoughts. I was a realist, not an idealist. All ninja should be realists, after all; being naïve got you killed.

I wanted to be naïve though, since I wanted to die and thought of taking my own life. But I was too much of a coward, too scared of what enemies and comrades would say when they saw me in the afterlife.

Kayaku saw me staring intensely into nothing and gently said something to pull me back to the present.

"What was that?" I really hated being distracted, but I was often staring off into space.

"I just said that we should start with the Memorial Stone and work our way around the city," He replied with a kindly smile. I nodded and started walking with him. He first showed me the Memorial Stone that housed names of his comrades and one of his students. He took me to the various vendors that sold all types of food, from fermented soybeans to fish cakes. He offered to buy me snacks and little trinkets, which I thanked him for but politely refused; He also took me to the training grounds and the ANBU compound.

Throughout the duration of our evening I noticed many people saying hello, especially woman. I didn't fail to notice the jealous looks. Old grandmothers and young children and fellow ninja all spoke to him; telling him how he's such a good leader, that I want to be just like you, that Konoha is rebuilding well after the war. He really was loved in Konoha.

When we stopped for a short time for Kayaku to speak to a group of young girls, I noticed that we were in front of a flower shop. I had an affinity for flowers, especially tulips. Through the assortments of flowers in the window I saw a bouquet of beautiful red tulips, which were my favorite color. I hadn't realized that my eyes softened with a faint glimmer of contentment. I wasn't smiling, but Kayaku wasn't the Hokage for nothing.

After the girls bid their farewell Kayaku noticed this rare presence of emotion. With his ever present smile he waltzed into the flower shop and came out a brief moment later holding said bouquet in his hand. He walked over and held them out to me. I couldn't help but feel a slight pink taint my cheeks as I quietly accepted them and murmured a soft thank you, and a "you shouldn't have gotten them."

He just grinned cheekily and continued walking with me beside him.

I met his team briefly, or rather only two-thirds of his team; Kakashi and Rin. Kayaku told me about the missing third member of their squad, whose heroic act of camaraderie changed Kakashi for the better.

Kakashi and Rin were quite cute together. I thought they'd have a good future with each other. I hoped they would, because they were the few people who deserved happiness after tragedy changed their lives. But I had a bad feeling about Rin's fate; Kakashi's future would be a grim one.

I really wanted to be wrong.

* * *

I loved ramen, but not as much as that blonde fool who called himself the Fire Shadow. At the ramen stand he ate several bowls of a variety of flavors of ramen. Miso, shrimp, beef, chicken flavored noodles, the list was never-ending. I had just one bowl of shrimp flavored ramen. I couldn't help but stare in silent amazement at the man who downed bowl after bowl of ramen, yelling out "more!" to the owner. It was strangely appealing to watch him.

After that evening I didn't see much of Kayaku. I suspected as much, he was the Hokage.But even with his schedule he still made time to help me find an apartment. Soon he became a close friend and confident of mine. Although I had made a silent vow not to let anyone in, Kayaku was persistent. A few weeks after I had gotten my cramped apartment, a section of the complex, including my apartment, burned down because of an elderly neighbor that left the stove on while they went grocery shopping. Kayaku graciously opened his doors to me.

Several months after I settled down in Konoha, and after I moved in with Kayaku, the first anniversary of my old ANBU team's deaths came. That day was cloudy and cold and windy. I was relieved that it wasn't as sunny as it normally was. I spent the majority of that September day staring at the picture of the four of us. My usual cold, stoic façade came back. Kayaku had cautiously asked me who they were. I told him, having to pause briefly between fragments, what happened this day a year ago.

The four of us were sent out on an S-ranked mission that was crucial to Kumo. My first teammate fell stalling the enemy while the three of us escaped. My second teammate fell after we heard our previous comrade give his final cry as he was taken out.

Our second teammate was our first's lover and sacrificed herself to once again try and halt the enemies' progress. I held her in my arms as she smiled and told me and my remaining comrade that she'll get to see her love again and be with him forever in the afterlife.

My last colleague, who was also my best friend, gave up his life for me. The two of us had gotten back in one piece, but I had lost too much blood. I needed a blood transfusion, but since I lost the amount of blood that I did, the donor would lose their life. It was the worst feeling when I woke up in the hospital to see his forehead protector and dog tags lying on the bedside table.

When it hurt too much for me to continue, I resumed staring vacantly at the worn photograph in my hands. Next thing I knew a pair of warm, strong arms wrapped themselves around me. I closed my eyes relishing his warmth as, for the first time in my life, I cried silently onto his shoulder.

It felt good.

* * *

Since I was very competent as a Konoha ninja, I was receiving high ranked missions. One mission in particular was of utmost importance to Konoha's security. Kayaku appointed me to accompany him on the mission, which took the two of us several miles into enemy territory. 

We encountered numerous missing-nin. We disposed of all but one, who had been holding on to a little girl, about four years old. The ninja told her to kill us, and in exchange, she'll be able to see her brother again. She ran to us and as she advanced we noticed that she had on a vest with scores of explosives dangling off of it. Kayaku yelled at her to stop and take off the vest but we soon realized that that was the idea. I had to impede on her objective somehow before the explosives were set off and it would have only been a matter of time before Kayaku and I were blown to bits.

The split second before she set them off I ran toward her and pierced her heart with my kunai. Kayaku took that time to kill the shocked missing-nin. The girl looked sadly at me as she softly yet angrily told me with her dying breaths that she had that one chance to see her dead big brother, and that I ruined it for her. I couldn't tell her that she in fact **was **going to see her brother again. I watched her unable to move until she ceased breathing.

On the trip home Kayaku and I walked in tense silence. The little girl's accusing words rang mercilessly in my head. After we arrived at his apartment I went into the shower and sat with my knees pulled to my chest in the corner of the stall with the scalding hot water pouring over my fully clothed body, washing away the blood and dirt but, to my dismay, none of the guilt. When I didn't emerge from the bathroom after an hour had passed, Kayaku walked in and saw me listlessly staring at the wall. By now the water had turned freezing cold and I was shaking, both from the cold and from the suppressed emotions that were slowly cracking the stone walls I had set up around my heart.

As he turned off the water and knelt beside me, I turned my empty eyes to his painfully compassionate ones and said,

"It wasn't raining outside," my voice hoarse from disuse, hoping that those four words explained what I couldn't.

He took me, soaking wet, into his arms. Once again, I cried. My sobs racked through my body, my hot, thick tears seeping into his shirt. I cried for the bitter, raw truth of being a shinobi, realizing now that even though I tried to escape misery it always lay somewhere else. I also knew what people meant when they said that once you start crying, you can't stop. When I finally regained my composure, after what seemed like the longest time, he went to his room where he took some of his clothes. He brought them to me. I breathed in his smell from them. I walked out into his room to see him stretched out on his bed, back resting against the headboard, reading a book.

He felt, rather than saw me and asked, "Feeling better?"

"Yeah," Before I knew what was going on, my legs moved me to his bed before cautiously sitting next to him. I gently rested my head against his shoulder idly. I looked up at him to see him looking slightly surprised, then smiled and returned to his book. I stared up at him while he was reading, studying his handsome features, revealing no sorrow, no signs of the hardships he bore. An odd feeling stirred within me. Was this what people called love? It couldn't be, after all, didn't I refuse to let anyone get involved with me, especially in a romantic fashion?

He caught me staring at him and glanced down into my guarded eyes, all the while smiling.

"Is there something on my fa--…?" He never got an answer since I cut him off by pressing my lips against his. He stiffened in surprise but relaxed and gently pulled me closer to him, deepening the kiss. His book discarded, clothes soon followed, being only a minor hindrance. Throughout the night I thought of what I was getting myself into, countless worries flashing through my head. Still, that didn't stop me from having a good time.

After that night we became really intimate. I permanently moved in with him, and a month passed uneventfully of our new found romance. We didn't say we loved each other. It was too strange. I still didn't even know if I did love him. What if he didn't actually love me?

I found out if he did the day after he almost died on a mission. I wasn't there, but I went to visit him at the hospital the morning after.

"I was so scared," he admitted softly, gripping my hand tightly with his warm one.

"Why?" What did he, the Yellow Flash, have to be afraid of?

"I thought I wouldn't be able to tell you that I love you." So earnestly he told me; he looked straight into my eyes when he said those three words. Taken aback for a moment, I gazed at him wordlessly, trying to tell him that yes, I love you too, but I couldn't. Cursing silently at my sudden shyness, I hid my inner turmoil and smiled a rare smile. Precious and true, and just for him. He just smiled knowingly; he always had a knack for reading peoples' thoughts. I hoped he would understand that even though I shared the same feelings as him, I just wasn't ready to say those words out loud. Saying those words meant commitment, and I couldn't afford to be tied to anyone.

We slipped back into our domestic routine for about a week after Kayaku was released from the hospital. I sat on the edge of the bed one night watching him pack for a mission. Lately he'd been brooding and moody; very uncharacteristic. I knew that he thought I was going to tell him I loved him this week, but I still put it off for fear this romance was all a lie. He was silent as he brushed his lips against mine in a chaste kiss and turned to walk out the door. Somehow, seeing that back turned against me scared me. I realized then that I desperately needed him. I loved him. He made me happy for once in a long time. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He changed me.

I clasped my arms around his lithe waist from behind tightly, feeling that if I let go, he'd leave forever. He stiffened but didn't say anything, craning his neck to gaze questionably at me.

"Don't leave. Don't leave me, please. If I let you go, will you leave and never return?" I never felt that full of emotion in my life. From sorrow to panic to love to desperation, every emotion illustrated itself on my face, painting a multifaceted mural.

"I love you! I love you, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I was scared to be tied to someone, in case I got hurt, but I don't care anymore. Please forgive me, please smile, I need you to smile again to show me that you forgive me and still love me." My vision was blurry from tears, but I still saw that smile he gave me as he turned around and took me in his arms. He gently wiped the tears that managed to streak down my cheeks and kissed me. Long and warm, it was perfect.

"I forgive you," he softly said to me after we broke the kiss. Relieved, I smiled a genuine smile, the ones I only saved for him. We stood smiling at each other for a minute before Kayaku glanced at the wall clock and noticed that he was late.

"Shoot! Sorry, I got to go; I'll see you in a few days," Smiling cheerily, he turned, gave me another lasting kiss and walked out the door.

"I love you."

"I love you too!" his voice echoed through the halls before fading.

I smiled. Everything was going to be all right.

* * *

**A/N**: But… We all know that nothing was all right on a certain October night involving a certain Nine-Tails Fox…

Wow… I actually didn't intend to end this story like this, but I like this better.

Well, thanks everyone for taking the time and reading this.


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